Mastering courageous conversations

How do you feel when planning for a difficult conversation? I tested this at a recent event for talent leaders in Sydney, asking them what words came to mind.

Challenging, uncomfortable, avoid, and necessary were offered up in muted tones, the audience wondering just where I was headed.

I then asked how they felt about courageous conversations. A more upbeat offering came forth with brave, leadership, trust, and honesty.

I returned to Australia in January, having spent time building my career abroad. I jumped at networking and talent events, keen to meet other professionals, exchange ideas and understand the agenda of Australia’s talent leaders. I spotted a theme in the challenges people raised:talent leaders were struggling to feel seen and heard by the C-suite. Despite mastering tough conversations daily, they were not having courageous conversations upwards. And they’re not alone.

Research with business leaders in Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead showed that the number one barrier in organisations across the world was “avoiding tough conversations, including giving honest, productive feedback. Some leaders blamed a lack of courage, others a lack of skills”. Others referred to a culture of ‘nice and polite’. And in a Coaching at Work article, research showed that “almost two-thirds of leaders are unable or unwilling to have the courageous conversations needed to address issues.

Two in ten leaders cannot have the conversation without using an aggressive style, and only one in ten are having conversations with clarity and purpose rather than blaming or shaming the other.”

I help people to build awareness and the skills to lead authentically. Building the skills of courageous conversations sits squarely within this frame. These skills are not routinely taught, but once we know them and experiment, we build a sense of grounded confidence and a culture of trust around us. Here are four skill sets I recommend to get started:

1. Get clarity. The first step in situations requiring courage is to get the drama out of your head and set your direction. If you’re at a crossroads, apply these four questions:

• What will happen if I do?
• What will happen if I don’t?
• What won’t happen if I do?
• What won’t happen if I don’t?

2. Know yourself. Know what it is you want. Know your values and your strengths. You’ll need both for ballast and to perform at your best when courage is required.

Understand your role in the situation. Explore the emotions and physical responses coming up for you around the issue. If you weren’t raised in the language of emotions, extending your vocab now is easy with apps like the ‘Moodmeter ’, created from research at Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence.

3. Foster ‘trust’ as a trusted advisor. Consider your objective for the relationships at work. Ask what your intention is and how you’re building trust with people.

In The Thin Book of Trust, Charles Feltman defines trust as “choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions”. Relationships at work build over time, and trust is gained and lost in the small moments. Observe your relationships and see them as a long game.

Remember what you can control: your thoughts, feelings, and how you show up and relinquish the illusion of control over others’ thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

4. Build rumble skills. I know this is clunky, but it’s a game-changer, so worth paying attention to. Again, in Dare to Lead, Brown says a rumble is “a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary.”

A rumble is a potent signal to those involved that this isn’t a typical meeting or blame game. Instead, it indicates the need to show up with curiosity, an open heart and mind and to have a challenging conversation that serves the work and each other – versus the egos in the room.

Practice rumbling with questions like: ‘help me understand…’ or ‘I’m working from these assumptions, what about you?’ or ‘tell me why this doesn’t fit/work for you’. Dial up your curiosity and shift the focus from fixing to understanding.

As organisations seek increased performance, engagement, retention, and a positive culture of trust, courageous conversations are the ones worth having.

Angella Clarke-Jervoise is a leadership coach.