iscover
There are subtle ways in which we lie to ourselves and anchor the way we live our lives, who we are, and how we show up outside of ourselves. The problem is that in the process, we lose touch with our true essence, which creates unnecessary suffering for ourselves, writes Dr Paige Williams.
From our earliest years, we learn what we are supposed to do and who we are supposed to be from our caregivers. As we do, neural pathways that are useful are strengthened and those that are not fall away. This tuning and pruning of our neural networks establish the factors of success within our context that will support us to survive and thrive through infancy and childhood. It is also how cultural and social knowledge flows efficiently from one generation to the next, through cultural inheritance.
Being a good person
Soon after, we’re further influenced by our broader social context through experiences such as kindergarten and school, playing in the park and the playground. All this goes on to shape what psychologists call our “socialised self”. It is effectively what we have learnt from our culture that a “good person” looks like, feels like, and sounds like; how they behave, what they believe and what they value. And the unwritten promise is that if we deliver on all this “goodness”, we will reap the rewards of a good life – happiness, health, prosperity, true love, and self-esteem – as defined by the culture and society in which we live.
The problem is this externalised “ideal” creates suffering in us that comes from the divide between what we know to be true about ourselves, and what our socialised self is striving to achieve. Psychologist and author Lisa Miller calls this “achieving awareness” and describes it as the perception that our fundamental purpose is to organise and control our lives around the foundational concern of “how can I get and keep what I want?”
Living to achieve
There are subtle ways in which we lie to ourselves and anchor the way we live our lives, who we are, and how we show up outside of ourselves. The problem is that in the process, we lose touch with our true essence, which creates unnecessary suffering for ourselves. Here are five common ways this shows up and the self-care strategies to counter them:
- We’re less than honest with ourselves about what we think, feel, want and need. We tend to squash or avoid uncomfortable feelings and thoughts.
Self-care strategy: Make space to connect with yourself through things like journaling, meditation, or simply being with and in your own company. Why not take yourself out on a date and get to know the person you spend most time with in your life – you.
- Being liked by other people is important to us, and we tend to do things that will help this along, even when it’s not something we may choose to do otherwise. Consequently, we never really feel like we fit in, or have “found our tribe”.
Self-care strategy: Take the time to ask and answer questions such as, “Why am I doing this? What is it giving me that I think I need? Would something else serve me better?”
- We tend to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves for fear of judgement or to keep the peace, particularly if they risk making others feel uncomfortable.
Self-care strategy: Practice being your own advocate and honouring your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives by sharing them.
- We’re very interested in what other people think and feel about how we live our lives – we’re less clear on the values that are important to us and how they influence the choices we make. We may find that we have an issue with people respecting our boundaries.
Self-care strategy: Explore what is “OK” and “not OK” for you and whether these boundaries are fixed, firm or fluid.
- People talk about “trusting your gut” or the quiet voice inside, but that’s not something we have access to, and so we spend a lot of time wondering what the right course of action is, researching options and talking to other people about it. This sometimes – perhaps often – means opportunities have passed before we act.
Self-care strategy: Stop the external reference points, slow down, and ask yourself, “what is my knowledge around this?” Start with small things to build your confidence.
If this is all sounding a bit too fluffy, understand that you’ll be a better leader as you care for and live in alignment with yourself – more confidence in your skills, knowledge and expertise; more clarity in your decision making; and more motivation to do the often-challenging work of leading. So, rather than focusing on what you think you want or need to achieve, allow some stillness for you to feel what it is you yearn for – to listen to your quiet voice that you know is true. It is the ultimate self-care.
Dr Paige Williams is a keynote speaker, organisational psychologist, and researcher.
