How to encourage someone to talk when they don’t want to

HR professionals and team leaders strive to foster open communication within the workplace, but getting someone to open up, if they’re not inclined to do so, can be difficult, writes Leah Mether.

Picture this: Two colleagues are experiencing ongoing tension that’s disrupting their working relationship and overall team dynamic. One colleague wants to resolve the issue and has made multiple attempts to discuss the problem directly, but the other person simply refuses to engage in the conversation and says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Frustrated and at their wit’s end, the proactive colleague is unsure of how to initiate dialogue and resolve the conflict without escalating it up the chain.

The simple answer is you can’t make someone talk about an issue if they don’t want to. You also can’t make them listen to or hear what’s being said. What you can do, though, is influence them by framing the conversation in a way that creates psychological safety and encourages them to participate.

Here are six strategies to help create an environment of psychological safety where a reluctant communicator feels more comfortable discussing challenging topics:

1. Consider the timing and location

While there’s no “right” time to have a tough conversation, some times are better than others. Avoid having it in the heat of an argument, in front of others, right before an important meeting, or when one of you is rushing out the door. Consider suggesting a “walk and talk” so you can have the conversation side by side if the other person finds the intensity of sitting across from each other too much. You could also let your colleague choose when and where. The goal is to create a space where all parties feel comfortable and safe to express themselves.

2. Explain the why

Clearly articulate why you want to have the conversation and make your positive intention clear: it’s about wanting to improve the situation for both of you, building your working relationship, and resolving an issue that affects team dynamics, not blame and accusations.

3. Highlight the benefits of engaging

Explain how having the conversation and addressing the issue can benefit your colleague. Focus on what’s in it for them and speak to their motivations and drivers to show them the value of their engagement. Discuss potential positive outcomes, such as reduced stress and anxiety, greater enjoyment at work, better working relationships, and enhanced team performance.

4. Manage your emotions to create a safe space

As difficult as it is, model the behaviour you want to see in them. That means being open, curious, and calm rather than defensive, aggressive, and upset. Regulating your own response is key to fostering psychological safety and ensuring your colleague feels secure, respected, and safe to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement or reprisal.

5. Show empathy

Acknowledge their feelings and emotions. Show that you understand this is a challenging conversation for them and that they would prefer not to engage. Phrases like, “I get that you don’t want to have this conversation”, “I understand this is a challenging topic”, or “I know this is not easy to discuss,” can help your colleague feel seen and validated. In the words of Brene Brown, empathy is the number one trust-building tool we have. It can bridge the gap and encourage them to open up.

6. Outline the next steps

Reinforce why having the conversation is essential to you and specify any actions or decisions you will take if they continue to refuse to engage and the issue remains unresolved. The key is to do this in a non-threatening manner. The aim is to be transparent about the consequences while maintaining a supportive stance.

After that, the ball’s in their court.

Give your colleague time to process the information and decide on their response. If they remain unresponsive, consider providing an alternative, such as writing down your thoughts in an email or letter and encouraging them to respond with their thoughts or suggestions. This can offer them a less direct way to communicate their concerns.

If they still refuse to engage, it’s time to follow through on your next steps and let the chips fall where they may, knowing that you did the best you could to resolve the issue directly in a kind and considerate way. Even if you don’t get the outcome you’re after with your colleague in this instance, your efforts demonstrate a commitment to open communication that can lay the groundwork for future dialogue.

Leah Mether is an author and communication specialist.